Just An Update

Well, I promised I'd keep all you gals up-to-date about my book, Widowhood Is Not Funny. So, I sent it off, complete with cover letter and proposal, to an agent recommended by some Boomer friends. I was amazed at now nerve-wracking it was to just send it off. I agonized over every word, every sentence (I have never written a book proposal before). Finally, I just took a deep breath and hit the send button. Off it went and I experienced a moment of sheer panic. Over the years, I've sent many manuscripts (essays, articles, short stories, etc.) off to magazine editors, and it's always stressful. It's a little like sending your children out into the world. You pray they'll be treated kindly and with respect, but you fear for them.

The response from the agent came back very quickly, which is probably never a good thing. I fear my manuscript received very little consideration at all. In my cover letter, I had included some statistics, such as the number of women who are widowed each year in the USA. The literary agent replied to that one single statistic with, "And they all want to write a book."

Now, I've spoken with many widows in the last five years and not one of them has mentioned any such desire. They have, however, been very supportive and encouraging about my book. I was angry at first with the agent's reply; I felt devalued and belittled, like she was saying my writing the book was a foolish waste of time and effort. I wanted to tell her what I thought of her answer, but figured that would do very little good in the long run. So, I told her I was sorry to waste her time and that I would try elsewhere. That was my way of telling her that her comments had fallen on deaf ears and I would continue with my plans to publish my book--she simply would not be the one to represent me.

She replied with, "It's not a waste, I respect your grief." Uh huh, not very helpful. So, I've been working on a list of publishers who might be interested in giving my manuscript a read-through, and I will begin sending it out to each one. It may take a while, but I refuse to give up, and eventually I will find someone who recognizes the need for my little book. When that day comes, I will post the good news here and let all you great gals share in my excitement.

Just One Wish

What would be your one wish? And yes, of course I know what you’d wish for, but we both know that’s not possible. It’s what all widows wish for, in the beginning. In the early days our widowhood, it doesn’t even seem real, but we just want everything back the way it was. We want to wake up and discover it was all just a horrible nightmare. We’ll open our eyes and our husbands will be beside us, warm and alive.

Later on, it’s all too horribly real, but we continue to wish everything back to normal, back to the way it was. Deep down, we know it’s never going to happen, but we keep wishing anyway. Eventually, we come to an acceptance of sorts. Wishing won’t make it so. Then we begin wishing for the pain to go away. No one can live with that much pain for very long.

Finally, we begin to wish for a sense of security, some kind of peace, a purpose for our lives, an end of our confusion. The best wish is for a brand new start. You can stay in the pain and keep wishing for things that can never come true, or you can face the facts that you’re alone, but you can handle it, you will handle it. And you will begin a brand new life. It won’t be the same as your old one, it can’t be. But it can be a good life; it will be what you make it.

Please post and tell me what you are wishing for now.

What If?

The thought keeps coming to me that the one I'd most like to share all my newfound opportunities with is my husband. Yet if he was here, I wouldn't have these same opportunities. Just before he died, I had all but given up on my own dreams, at least temporarily. I had dedicated all my time and energy to his dreams. In the back of my mind was the hope that he'd realize his goals and then I'd have the time and freedom from financial woes to pursue my own. Given my past experiences, I don't really believe that would ever have happened. My dear husband had trouble focusing on those goals and lost momentum very easily. Every couple of weeks, I'd do the pep talk again and bring him back to the plan. I sure got tired of it. I really didn't know what else I could do and had come to an acceptance of the situation.

For two years prior to that, I had been in a real depression, hating how my life was going, but feeling helpless to change anything and frustrated that my husband wouldn't make the effort to change things and make our lives better.

It's sad that in order to realize my own dreams, I had to completely lose my old life. But sometimes, we have to loosen our grip on the old life in order to grasp the new one. I'd still love to share my accomplishments with the one person who would be truly happy for me. He would have liked nothing better than to see me successful with my writing. However, it took losing him to drop kick me into my own career. I was angry for a long time that he hadn't made provision for me in the event of his death, but maybe the pressure to make a living actually forced me to step outside my comfort zone and make the change, so I'd have the future that didn't involve staying with my kids for the rest of my life.

Being on my own used to terrify me, it was my greatest fear, but I'm so ready now and I'm actually looking forward to it. There are those who still insist on treating me as if I'm an idiot, just because I won't do what they think I should. I've outgrown the box they've had me in for so long; I just don't fit anymore, and they don't like it one little bit. Too bad!

Don't let your situation or other people keep you from achieving what you're capable of achieving. More than ever it's important to be who you are supposed to be and do what you're supposed to do. Now is your time. Make the most of it. Then come back here and tell me how you're doing.

Fifth Anniversary

I have to tell you I really dreaded this past anniversary of the death of my husband. I told myself it should get easier with each year, but for some reason, I was more emotional and teary just before the date rolled around. I went through the same emotional turmoil on our last wedding anniversary. We would have been married for 40 years last September.

February 23, 2004 was the longest, worst day of my entire life. It was a Monday that seemed to go on and on. I was at the hospital for hours, then on to the funeral home, making decisions when I was barely functioning. Thank heavens for my support team (my daughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, and niece)! This year, February 23rd was also a Monday and brought images to mind that I could well do without.

So how to handle this day each year? The emotions are there and will be for some time, though as the years go by, I've noticed the pain is less sharp and a bit easier to bear. I've discovered that if I go back over all I've accomplished, learned and experienced in the years since I lost my husband, the good things far outweigh the distress, pain and fear I've been through. Yes, it's hard, the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life and I'll never be okay with losing my life partner. But moving on is so important to my future and well-being and I know my husband would be proud of me.

And what have I done in five years? I've enhanced some existing skills and added many, many new ones, started a copywriting business, built a portfolio, written a book, (which I hope to see published in the near future), seen my daughter married and two more grandchildren arrive, and made many new friends. Viewed in that light, my life is definitely looking up, even if I am alone now. I've learned to appreciate the single state and my own worth. There is life after Widowhood!

Please post and let me know your success stories. Let me know how you're doing and what you're doing to move forward in your new life.

Please Forgive Me

Please forgive me for not posting in so long. So much to tell, where to begin? First of all, I've learned the hard way that making a living sure gets in the way of making a life. And you can quote me on that one. It feels like all I've done is look for work. That's the bad news. The good news is that I've spent the last year working on my book, Widowhood Is Not Funny, and it's finished at last! Right now, I'm writing a book proposal and looking for a good agent to represent me. I have some leads and as soon as I find that person, I can turn things over to him/her and get on with the business of finding more work and writing my next book. I'm thinking of writing a novel about a widow, who learns to move on with her life, finds her new purpose, maybe even finds love again. The job I'd really love to have right now is writing a column about being a widow, maybe for a magazine.

In the meantime, I'm still here, though silent, and invite any and all widows out there to post, talk to me. And like Frasier use to say on his radio show, I'm listening."

Widows Helping Widows

She was there in the waiting area of the local Kwik Kar, looking a bit forlorn, when I showed up to get my car inspected. Yes, that's another of those chores we widows have inherited from our husbands.

"Don't you just hate having to deal with this stuff?" I asked her.

That's when I discovered I had found another woman like myself--a widow. As it turned out, her husband had passed away the same year as mine had.

Her eyes grew misty as she told me her story, which was very similar to my own--sudden, unexpected widowhood. And like me, she was confused, lonely and even a little angry. Anger is the hardest emotion to get past, I've discovered.

For an hour we talked together, cried together and then exchanged names and email addresses. I also gave her the link to my favorite forum where Boomer Ladies get together, and where they had recently set up a special forum for widows. For those of you who are interested it is:
http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com Since that day, my new friend and I have had lunch together and spent enjoyable hours getting to know one another.

I hugged her goodbye that day we met, and as I left she told me how much I had helped her, how much she needed to talk to another person who understood what she was going through.

What she didn't know at the time was how much she had helped me too. I felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted from my shoulders. On the way home, I hummed along to the oldies playing on the radio, and I actually smiled. I absolutely felt more light-hearted than I had since my darling Mel died.

It was simple really; I had touched the life of another person and she in turn had touched mine. I knew that neither of us would ever be the same.

What's Your Status?

One of the most confusing aspects of widowhood is the question of your marital status. The longer you were married, the harder it is to take in. You still feel married, but you're so obviously alone.

When my husband Mel passed away, our oldest grandson Zachary was not quite three years old, yet he was the one who began asking the hard questions.

One day while I was babysitting, he saw me twisting my wedding ring round my finger and asked, "Mama Faye, are you still married?" Stunned by the question and from one so young, it took me a moment to compose myself enough to answer him. Nevertheless, my answer had to be, "Yes, yes I am!"

In my heart, I still feel married. The very idea of being single is distasteful and may continue to be for some time I'm afraid. I'd worn that wedding ring for thirty-five happily married years. Though it's been three years since I lost my darling Mel, I still wear my ring. Maybe one day I'll put it away.

But I won't hold my breath.